A Choctaw Curandera for Cedar Park, Texas

I didn't really mean to write this hub about myself and my journey through 34 years of health care, but this week's hub contest is about "Around the Harbor, Shopping and Services, Venues of Supplies and Assistance, especially concerning physical therapists, spas, doctor’s offices, etc.

I currently work at Cedar Park Regional Medical Center which is the best hospital in Cedar Park, Texas. Mainly because it's the ONLY hospital in Cedar Park or the surrounding communities of Leander, Jonestown, Lago Vista, and Liberty Hill. We are located just North of the incredibly fascinating city of Austin - River City, Bat City, Capitol City, and Keep Austin Weird City. [Geesh, this place is growing faster than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs]

But, I digress. All my life I was interested in medicine and science. I "played doctor" when I was just seven years old. Perhaps a bit early, but heck, I was born to it. I can actually remember my Choctaw grandmother leaning over my crib (she died when I was only a few months old). I remember the woman who chanted and put little paper things in my hands and she would laugh so brightly when, as a baby, I would tear them apart and try to stuff them in my mouth. I learned later that the pieces of paper were labeled with the different names of spirits and whichever ones I ate would be my spirit guides. I must have eaten the dolphin and the medicine woman ones because I have always been associated with these.

I spent many years traveling in Mexico after I got my training in Laboratory Science and I became known as the "Curandera". I would spend weeks at a time in little towns in the interior of Mexico, and before I could count to ten, there would be someone asking me how to cure this ache or that pain. These people did not know me, I was a total gringa stranger, but they knew somehow that I would know how to treat them. And so I did. In return, I was fed home cooked food and led to many strange and wonderful places. I think I ended up spending time with the Native Americans of Mexico, the Aztec descendants and other progeny of the Toltecs, Mayans, and other minor tribes.

What I would like to do with this hub is relate some of the very interesting stories from the emergency rooms I have worked in during my career. The names have been changed to protect private health information. All of the stories are true, but I know no details other than what I am relating here.

Walking into the e.r. I spotted a young man sitting in the hallway, bleeding profusely, holding his nose on to his face as it was hanging by a small flap of skin. He was laughing hysterically. Several people standing nearby were also laughing. I could not wait to hear this story.

It seems the guy had been hitting on a chick at a bar. When her boyfriend tried to defend her, the nose guy ended up nearly beating the crap out of him. The girl then stepped in and bit his nose nearly off. They all were drunk and after bringing the nose guy to the e.r. they were standing around having a very long laugh at his predicament. He lived, and got his nose sewed back on, but I bet he never tried to pick up a girl in a bar again.

A young and beautiful girl was admitted to the e.r. one day and I had to draw blood for lab work. She was jumping and squirming something fierce. Several nurses and techs were helping to hold her still so I could get some blood.

I asked what was wrong with her and they told me she had asked her boyfriend to give her a cocaine enema. I have to tell you that this has to be the worst way to get a drug high because she did not look as though she was having a very good time. In fact, she died shortly after being admitted, the cocaine having gone straight to her heart and causing it to rupture.

Now I know that some people will say that foreign objects stuck up a certain area of a man's rear end are mostly urban legends. But I can testify to sticking a needle into a guy's arm to get my blood samples when the object in question was very much present and humming in the lower area of the man on the table. Since all he had on at the time was a hospital gown, I assumed the vibrator wasn't in his pocket.

Any object taken out of that particular buttoccal region is also sent to the lab for analysis by a Pathologist. I have worked for a pathologist that kept a colorful collection of these objects and he displayed the following object to my very own Choctaw Curandera eyes:

• Vibrators of every size, shape, and description
• An intact light bulb (No joke!)
• A whiskey shot glass
• a bottle of beer (capped)

If you are ever in the Cedar Park Regional Medical Center area and you have a need for a blood transfusion, then I am the best Immunohematologist in the area. Rest assured that you will get the most compatible type of blood available.

Gout cure: Concentrated Black Cherry Juice - drink four of five glugs daily

Calcium Oxalate Stone Relief: Lots of B vitamins, especially B6; Magnesium supplements (350 mg. daily, never stop), and water, water, and more water

Skin problems: Vitamin E - rub it on the problem area and take internally as a capsule

Back pain: See a spinal specialist!

Diabetes: eat food that you only tolerate like fruits and veggies, stop eating everything else. Walk a lot

Joint pain: lots of good rest and even better drugs

Snoring: A CPAP machine or a pillow over the complainer's ears.